I'm one of those people who will claim my father was "the best"! Loosing him in my life at 19 years old, after having just become a father myself was one of the most devastating things I've endured. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish he might be able to communicate his approval of the value I associate with what he taught me in what it means to be a father while experiencing his grandsons.
This week's essay is below, I hope you enjoy reading it and gain and understanding and appreciation for an identity I associate great value in. Thanks!
-Dan-
Introduction
Identity as a part of an individual’s characteristics is something that is not only valuable to us as individuals, but also to those around us who recognize and respond to those identities. Martin and Nakayama note that a personal identity, or the notions we have of ourselves may not always be unified or coherent (Martin & Nakayama, 2011) . How we see ourselves may not necessarily match up with how the world and those around identify us.
While personal identities are often complex and multifaceted, there is also a need by the individual to maintain specific identities that hold more value than others do. These core identities generally last longest in one’s lifetime, and have the most profound impacts on the other identities we develop and maintain. For me, one of the most important identities I have of myself is that of being a father.
There are many cases where the identity of a father is put in doubt or question. In a recent legal battle involving Padma Lakshmi, a celebrity from a TV cooking show, the biological father is suing her for the right to visit their child (Wednesday Martin, 2011) . While the father did contribute the required genetic elements associated with producing a child, his identity as a father may only be realized after engaging in litigation and the bitterness associated with that process. Even then, we may question his motivations for wanting to be identified as a father and the value we as a society associate with this identity may be marred in the course as well.
Reflection
For many men, the day you first learn you will become a father is one filled with a roller coaster of emotions and questions. I am the father of four boys, and I can vividly recall the day the news was broken to me for each one of them. Most recently, three years ago was the staggering news that not only would I be a father again, but that my wife and I were blessed with triplets. Unfortunately, the day for our triplets to be born was a bittersweet event. While two of our boys came into the world, our third son, Nathan did not survive.
Nonetheless, the experience I had of being a father for my two older boys, and the exemplary image of what the identity of being a father meant, given to me by my own dad would serve both my sons and myself tremendously.
For many, our idea of what it means to be a father comes from our own experience with our dads. In some situations, the identity of a father can be shaped by the desire to behave in a way that is contrary to how our own fathers treated and acted toward us. In my case, I do not know of a better example of a father to mold my own identity than that of my dad James. While he passed away only a year after my first son was born, the legacy and lessons he taught me, and that set apart the identity of fatherhood amongst all others lives on. It is that identity I hope will be lived out when my sons become fathers one day themselves.
The advantages of identifying me as a father are quite numerous. While I enjoy the uniqueness of having all boys, I feel and others have told me that I most likely would have done fairly well with a daughter as well. The reason, I feel, is the idea that my father imparted in me that being a father is not a job, a burden or a task, although it can be quite tiring at times. Having the identity of being a father is a privilege to me, something that must be cherished and tended to.
Those same advantages, the capacity to shape another person’s life, to guide them and direct them in the ways of one’s family can bring potential disadvantages, or more accurately, challenges. As a father, there are always people looking to you for advice, guidance and carefully watching your reactions as a means to create and shape their own personalities. Identifying myself as a father, with this in mind, allows me to remain vigilant of my own actions and deeds, and even the times when I fail or stumble, the all-important question of “what am I teaching my sons?” drives me to correct myself. It helps to ensure they know as future men and fathers the value is not in being perfect, but in righting wrongs you are responsible for and striving to put forth more love and understanding that was present when you first came onto the scene.
One of the biggest impacts my identity as a father has with our sons involves continuing my formal education while maintaining a strong work ethic both in the office and at home. I feel education is a cornerstone of our society, and not all education comes from school or a book. However, when my sons see the work I put forth in school, I hope the lesson they learn is that a father must do all they can to ensure the success of their children by providing an example to build their own hopes and aspirations on.
Identifying myself as a father and trying to convey these ideals to my sons, immensely helps me to continue on when schoolwork becomes a burden, or when issues at work seem to want to crowd out important things. My identity as a father reminds me what truly is important to me.
The identity of being a father is so important to me, I often find myself involved with organizations and programs that help to pass those values to children that may not have fathers in their lives as well or that attempt to teach children the value of father figures in their lives. I spent many years involved with Boy Scouts and now Royal Rangers, programs designed to mentor and impart specific values into young boys who will be the men and fathers of all our futures.
As a society in America, we strive to attain equality, however like most human endeavors in the effort to raise one identity we marginalize or even demonize another identity in the process. The identity of fatherhood has taken some steps back in recent years. While many weeks are spent in preparation for Mother’s Day, which is indeed a good thing, Father’s Day is often relegated to a headline in the weekend flyer for the local sporting goods or home improvement center. When troubling personality traits appear in a child’s life, the assumption is often made that there must have been some abusive relationship perpetrated by a “bad” father. This may be the case for some, but I would hope not all, and I do all I can to influence other fathers on the important role we play in our children’s lives.
Conclusion
We often see that the biological process of becoming a father requires little effort on the part of the individuals involved. The lifelong challenge of what is needed from our fathers may not be realized until people find themselves in a situation to overwhelming to face. However, a critical measure of being identified as a father is holding up to ones responsibilities to those we play a part in bringing into this world.
I have spoken to men, some who have endured horrific experiences at the hands of an abusive father. Some who swear off the idea of ever being a father himself, and even find contempt in the idea of fatherhood because of their experience. Men who had fathers who provided all they needed materialistically through working hard and spending time at their professions, but were left feeling alone and still in need of the attention that only a father can provide for their child.
To those men, to other fathers or fathers-to-be who might read this essay, I can offer the idea that being identified as a father should be viewed as being a member of an exclusive club or fraternity. Think of the energy we might expend gaining access to a golf league or becoming a vice president. Imagine the emotions and energy you might pay into the anger or resentment you have for your own father and know that investing yourself, at that level with your children will pay dividends you can never hope to imagine today.
When men in any society or culture understand that fatherhood and the identity of being a father is so much more important than most things we can dedicate ourselves to, I feel that many of the problems that seem to have recently begun to plague our world will gradually become unpleasant memories of our collective past. Much like anything we endeavor to do that is worthwhile enough to be endeavored upon, being a father must be returned to a place of honor, respect and privilege, not necessarily from the public at large, but by those who have been sanctified with the opportunity to ever be called and known as “father”.
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